Having a mental disorder is tough and then being in love with someone who also has a mental disorder can even be tougher.

The hardest even though we don’t have the same mental disorder is knowing your partner is struggling. One because seeing anyone you love suffering in anyway is hard but seeing it and being able to relate on some level is even harder.

When you have felt the world crashing in all around you, feeling it would be easier to just give up then fight. Then seeing your partner going through the same thing it feels like rock bottom again.

However, I am in the best mental state that I have ever been in. I have been working around the clock to be the best me for everyone around me. I am strong and I want to be strong for my love. He needs me now more than ever even if it feels he would be better off without me at times. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and I know it sends him in the wrong direction. I am sorry for that.

I know he wants to feel happiness and enjoy life even though he doesn’t feel he deserves it now. I can only hope I can help him to heal and realize he is worth it and deserves to be happy. He is such an amazing guy and life has thrown him some real curve balls but he keeps going. Every little step forward makes me proud. I know he loves me and I know it’s hard for him to show it all the time right now. I have to remind myself that it’s not always him it’s the disorder. It’s not easy but I am here and always will be.

I continue to try to be my positive self and keep life as positive as I can. He really means the world to me and I hope he knows it. I know I don’t always say the right thing and I don’t know how to handle everything right but I try and won’t give up.

Who knew that seeing the love of your life struggle would make everything I went through myself seem like nothing. My heart hurts but is also beaming with love. He was the man that ignited emotions, feelings, and all those things most take for granted or want to drain out. Before these things were foreign to me and something I tried to learn by watching others. Even though it hurts at times I wouldn’t want to block that out. It means I can feel and truly love. He has stolen my heart and I am forever grateful. I hope I can help him like he has helped me.

I found some unexpected news out today that I am extremely proud of!

I was diagnosed Bipolar I at 28 and it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I hated feeling the way I did and how negatively it has impacted my life but most of all I hated how my disorder affected everyone around me. As soon as I was able to recognize the effects of my disorder I was determined to do everything I could to combat something that is incurable.

Six years later and my Theropist told me today she changed my diagnosis to Bipolar I in remission. Ultimately that is the closest you can get to being cured.

I cannot thank all my family and friends who have stuck by my side and constantly supported me. I especially would like to thank my parents and fiancé for not giving up on me. I also want to thank my daughter Makayla for always being so caring and understanding. I also have to give a shout out to my best friend Tom and my x Chris. These are not the only people who have been there but these are the people who took the brunt of the journey. Thank you everyone for making me want to be the best me and I promise I will continue to stay strong and work hard. Love you all!

Even before I was diagnosed bipolar and ADHD I always felt like I didn’t fit in and worked hard at trying to relate to my peers and others. I even thought at a young age to learn interaction and emotion from TV shows and Movies. This only helped so much.

I have always had an extreme burst of energy that doesn’t seem to die down unless I am not doing well mentally. I have always tried to take it down several notches because if I let it fully out people usually didn’t know how to react. Besides my energy there are many things that make me stand out which aren’t necessarily bad but most look at me like I am nuts. What can I say I have an extremely bubbly personality and love to make people happy. Not everyone can handle me at 100%.

There are very few people I allow to see the real me. My daughter, my best friend, my fiancé, my parents, and my service dog. I can see I wear them out when I am 100% so I have learned to real it in. However, it is nice to be able to be me and not feel judged. It’s exhausting trying to be the person each person needs and not just being me. I am an insecure person to begin with so letting people see the real me is scary but nice. I hope I can be me with more people and not have to hold back but I am happy I have a few people.

Still something I have to work on and be able to tone myself down so I don’t burn everyone out. However, it’s amazing not to be so insecure that I don’t even try and instead just play a part.

I can only hope the meaning of this word comes back in full swing and people use it for it’s true meaning and not as one uses a toilet.

If you have hurt someone in anyway own up and do what you can to make it right. Don’t be a coward and run off. Don’t use what should be a powerful heartfelt word and turn it into manipulation. Own up and stop making excuses. Actions speak louder than words and in this case it couldn’t be more true.

Letting go of the past is a very difficult thing to do especially with a mental disorder. You can almost get trapped in the past and keep it as your present and future. When a person has gone through tough times and traumas it is hard to move on. Then when you have a mental disorder that can freeze time it makes it all that more difficult. What you have to ask yourself is this how I want my entire life to be or do I want more? Many feel they don’t deserve better and punish themselves by staying in this perfect storm or keep feeding the storm instead of breaking free. When you do this long enough you begin to lose yourself and your happy ending. Then when unfortunate events continue to pile on and you haven’t dealt with what has already existed you begin to drown. How do I come up for air?

If you are lucky enough to have at least one or more people who won’t let you disappear and believe in you more than you do yourself. These are the people you should surround yourself with and let those who drag you down free. Find a therapist you are comfortable with and work on opening up. Then translate that opening up to someone you know you can trust and who always has your back. Keeping everything in just let’s it fester which turns into anger and loss of hope.

Don’t get stuck in your past. Put those old pictures away and put out new ones that bring you happiness and don’t keep you in the storm. Create new routines and work at getting out of your funk. Constant repetition of past behaviors and past reminders just keep you down. Create a space that is positive and represents you and the things that bring you joy. Kill the negative with positive. Think about the times you are happy, calm, relaxed, feeling pretty good and make more time for that. Stop spiraling in the dull drums.

Everyone deserves to be happy and have a chance at a full life. Don’t let your past consume your present and future. Sometimes it’s worth reaching outside your comfort zone. It’s also ok to ask for help. I know I am still working on that one myself.

Covid makes it more challenging because everyone is adapting to a new kind of life. Don’t let that stop you and keep you isolated from the world. Use your imagination and come up with a new way of living.

If you have a special someone or a best friend or someone you care deeply about. Let them know. Like I stated before these are the people you should be putting any extra energy you have into because these are the people that will always be there for you no matter what. You don’t want to push them away!

Let the past go and work to a better present and future. Don’t get lost in negativity. I know it isn’t easy because I was there. I am still working on staying in the present and building a brighter future. All you can do is make the first step. Don’t be afraid to try new things.

It’s time to stop going around and around in a circle and time to open the circle and create a path to a happier life.

Depression…I cannot not relate on a personal level because even bipolar depression is so very different. I have been educating my self on depression and didn’t realize it is recognized as a disease more than a disorder. There are also so many different types.

The reason I started researching depression is because my other half suffers from it. Since we have been together I have seen him swing in and out and then take a deep dive and resurface slightly and now is sliding down the slope.

Having my own disorders I can understand what he is going thru to an extent. At least I can relate on some level. Seeing him go thru this is very hard because I can feel his pain, anxiety, stress, sadness, and anger whether he expresses it to me or not. I can’t even imagine how intense all this is first hand. I want to help but there is not much I can do besides be there, listen, and encourage treatment. He has to do the brunt of the work himself.

I have to keep telling myself that it’s the disorder not him when he does or says something that doesn’t fit the person I know and love. When I feel pushed away and forgotten it is sometimes hard to do and then my emotions get heightened and I feel I make things worse for him. I know he isn’t doing these things on purpose and honestly I don’t even know if he realizes he is doing them. I love him so much and I know it’s hard for him to show affection and verbally express his feelings but it’s hard all the same. Then the days he is doing a little better and says all the right things, makes such sweet gestures, and is very affectionate it is hard to not get frustrated when it flips. I miss him so much and just want him to feel better and be able to enjoy life.

He is such an amazing man and he doesn’t even know it! He was able to spark feelings in me that I never thought I could experience with being bipolar. Being with him makes me feel alive.

I know he thinks he disappoints and hurts me. It can happen but I know it’s not his fault. I wish I didn’t react so emotionally when this happens but it’s hard to flip the switch for me. When I feel something it is to the extreme, no middle ground.

I hope he knows how much I love him and care about him and proud he is working at feeling better. The road is not easy, I know from experience. I will not give up on him and I will always be here for support and comfort.

This is another journey in life and one I am on board 100%. I am actually stable and can stick by without my own disorder getting set off.

He is my world!

I am the most stable I have been in my life with my bipolar. I have developed a treatment plan with my Theropist that truly has shown amazing results.

I have therapy once a week, see my shrink every three months, have acupuncture and cupping once a week, go to a chiropractor once a week, maintain a weight watcher friendly diet, keep a routine, etc. I have also stayed on the same medication for quite awhile now. I feel I have found a great regime for myself. Everyone is different so it’s important to take the time to explore what works best for you.

However, no matter how well I am managing my bipolar it is always there and can get triggered by a dream, smell, event, sound, etc. No matter how minor or major the trigger is it doesn’t matter. My brain instantly wants to take over and it is extremely difficult to gain control of my response. I first feel my skin begin to crawl and then anyone trying to help all I hear is how I fucked up and feel they are against me. My mind begins to race and I feel like I am going to explode. The urge of wanting to drop to the ground, squeeze my knees close to my chest, rock back and forth, and cover my ears to prevent any outside sounds comes on strong. I have learned to breathe and remove myself from the situation and usually end up taking a long drive listening to music loudly. This way I can process my feelings and come to terms with whatever the trigger was as well as realize people aren’t against me and they just want to help. Once I have gone through the motions I can return and function without totally losing it.

This switch can be flipped quickly but needs to dim before turning off. No matter what I do these feelings of being overwhelmed from time to time do not go away but I can continue to learn how to manage them. The last thing I want to do is go off into rapid speech and say things I will regret without realizing I even said them or completely wig out and embarrass myself while offending those around me.

Bipolar will always be a part of me no matter what I do. There is no cure just acceptance! I feel very fortunate to have so much support. The support and love from my family helps push me to be better and seek out new methods to help manage my disorder.

It’s amazing how many people are able to create their own truth from fiction. So many are so quick to believe gossip as facts. If people could stop creating reality by an immediate emotion and take the time to process and reflect the entire situation more truth, solution, and closure would evolve.

Find truth not misconception. Communicate don’t accuse. Blame is relied way too heavily upon and seeking truth is overlooked.

Don’t believe everything you hear and read. Don’t be so quick to judge others from words of others. Be your own person not a follower.

Rumors are rumors. Some truth may be within but not all. I can only hope people can learn to work together instead of against one another. Our world would progress traumatically in a positive light if blame was lessened and the power of solution was strengthened.

We need to use each other strengths instead of tearing our weaknesses apart. It’s time to unite to help build a healthier, safer, and better present and future.

The news is really starting to get to me but not because of the more typical reasons. Whether you are a Trump fan or hater does it really matter? In the end does it matter what state responded fastest? Does it matter who’s fault it is that we don’t have enough medical supplies or ventilators? All of this frustrates me greatly.

The main concern should be all coming together and finding a solution instead of pointing fingers left and right. Horrible decisions have been made and delayed. We cannot change any of that. All we can do is focus on the now and how to continue to flatten this curve! People need to stay at home if they can and stop socializing like there is no Coronavirus. People need to be respectful of each other and continue with social distancing. People need to stop littering and deal with their own garbage and waste. People need to help where they can. The only way we will survive this is if people stop blaming others for things that cannot be undone and work together to find a solution.

Photographs for some are simply photographs and then misplaced or forgotten like many memories. For me photographs are a story representing moments in a lifetime. These moments can be silly, painful, sad, happy, loving, angry, frustrating, fake, or a combination.

I have never had a very good memory even when I was young. Could it be due to being bipolar and ADHD? Could it be because of medications I am on? No matter what the reason I have always taken many pictures and compiled many scrapbooks. These are more than images to me these are small triggers to help me remember times in my life that have been lost.

My kids, friends, and fiancé all give me that look…really another picture…but support me none the less. Whether they will admit it or not I know they enjoy looking back through all my visual stories.

I get frustrated with my memory and I know those around me do to. I am often referenced as Dory from finding Nemo. There is the saying “A picture is worth a thousand words.” To me that could not be more true!