Tragedy

In December I learned that one of my best friends passed away from some random guy who messaged me on Facebook. I was in shock but didn’t believe it. I tried calling him no answer. I tried getting in contact with some mutual friends but no one knew anything. They just wanted answers like I did. I was so focused on finding information out that I didn’t even begin feeling much lost because I convinced myself this was a horrible joke. I poked around quite a bit and learned that he died in a fire of an abandon building. At first I couldn’t speak just stare…then I ran to the bathroom and couldn’t stop getting sick and crying. Felt like I was dying from the inside out! After that my ability to function on a day to day basis seriously declined. My shop was not doing well during the holiday season my relationship with my fiancé was faking a part, my ability to play and be a real mom to my daughter was lacking, and taking care of my general needs seemed impossible. There are still so many unanswered questions.

Last night I just found out my Aunt and Uncle were attacked by my Aunt’s son. My Aunt didn’t make it and my Uncle is in the hospital with serious injuries to recover from. At the moment I am still in shock and trying to figure out answers. When will this nightmare be over?

Me

I found this quote and felt it described how I view myself with my disorder and hope others can see thru it too. I am different and I am just starting to realize that that is ok. I stand out because of my energy and bubbly personality but as my fiancé says if I am quiet and blend in he worries. Everyone marches to their own beat I just throw in a few extra chords!

Connection

My entire life I have never really understood emotions or relationships. I sadly never felt much but wanted to. I learned from movies and tv shows how to interact and form some type of relationship with others.

Learning from movies and tv shows can be helpful but like bipolar everything usually is extreme. Growing up I had many boyfriends who I dated solely because they were into me and I thought they were nice and didn’t want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. All these relationships were very short lived. I also had friendships and romantic relationships where I had a blast while I was feeling it and then just slipped out when it wasn’t working for me anymore. Either I felt suffocated, had enough, just not feeling, or had trouble hiding my disorder.

I then met my daughter’s father and we were together for 13 years. We started off as good friends and then it progressed into something more. There were a few times I tried to end things but he was very persistent. As soon as we graduated college we were surprised by a pregnancy. We decided to get married and raise the baby together. I knew we would not be together forever but at the time I felt this was best. After 6 years of marriage he told me he was gay and had met someone. This is also when I was diagnosed bipolar. It was a lot to take in but in the end we were always just friends and nothing more. Now we are co-parents. I think the reason our relationship lasted as long as it did is because there wasn’t a strong connection so typical things that would effect most married couples just didn’t even phase me.

Then I met the love of my life and as soon as our eyes met for the first time I had these feelings rush thru me like never before. We were engaged after 4 months of dating. Definitely love at first site. This was a connection I never felt and it was overwhelming. Even though we have gone thru some really rough life time events we have supported each other thru it all. Because of our environment we almost decided to take a break because we didn’t want to hurt the other one. We tried but trying to break up with the person you are in love with is probably the hardest thing anyone could do. We decided to back things up and work on our own issues but still be a part of each other’s lives. Who knows what will happen but all I know is that a connection like we have is one you don’t take lightly especially for someone who never was really able to connect at all.

Every day I meet knew people and make new friends but it is very hard for me to keep those relationships. I have a few lifetime friends and I am happy every day knowing I was able to have that type of connection with a handful of people. I always felt like the odd ball. I always say I am horrible at relationships. My fiancé and daughter disagree. Maybe it’s in my head but relating to others and allowing them to see the whole me is difficult. I suppose those who I let in 100% are the ones I am able to connect with. All I know is that if you are lucky enough to have a strong connection with someone, treasure it forever.

Whirl Wind

Obviously I have always had bipolar disorder. I was only diagnosed a few years ago. I have found surrounding myself with the right people is key. For me any unnecessary added stress leads to my rapid cycling and sometimes to full blown mania. I have had many life struggles like many and have been working extremely hard at getting my life back on track from the results of those unfortunate events.

However keeping people in my life who support me and never judge even at my worst seems to be the best medicine. I get lost in helping others because I find it easier getting them on the right track verse myself. By doing this I have lost myself and am no further a head than I was a few years ago. Allowing others to influence who you are and care more about if they are ok has been my recipe for disaster. A good friend gave me advice today…do yourself and everything else will fall into place the way it should.

I never really knew what made me happy but I am starting to realize it. I have been cycling on and off for the last couple of months mostly because I have been taking on other people’s problems and stresses to avoid my own. I now know I can’t do that anymore otherwise I am going to lose out on my own life and happiness.

I am going to try and not constantly push my feelings aside to ensure others are ok. I am not ok and I need to change that.

People tend to be nervous of my disorder and shy away. I never keep it hidden because I want people to know why I may not be myself and struggling with simple everyday tasks. It isn’t easy for me to share this with others but I feel it explains so much. Those who love and care for me will always be there to help. My disorder scares me sometimes and I can’t turn the other way. I have to live each day with the unexpected. However, bipolar is a part of me and unfortunately I can’t change that.

I am still a very loving, nurturing, compassionate, honest, open minded, loyal, person who loves life and wants to experience as much as I can. Life is always a journey and I think it’s time I go on mine instead of being more concerned with others.