COVID-19 has changed life as we know it. The world has had to adapt to a new way of living. Our essential workers are out there exposing themselves and helping everyone stay healthy and continue to live life as “normally” as they can. Everyone else I can only hope are doing their part and staying home.

We live in a world of technology and even though we cannot physically be with all our loved ones and friends it enables us to stay connected. My daughter is an only child and is stuck in a house with adults and her dog. I cannot be more proud of her with how well she is adapting to everything. Each weekday she still goes to bed as if she was going to school the next day and gets up each morning to her school alarm. She does her morning routine and then hops right into her virtual school work. When she has completed her work for the day she has play dates with her friends using FaceTime and connects with her grandparents, aunts, and cousin the same way. Routine is so important if you can try to find one. My little one is only ten and she has this quarantine life down.

I own a bake shop and am producing great amounts of baked goods daily. My employees have decided they aren’t comfortable working anymore at this time and I respect that. As of now I am solo at the shop, however it keeps me busy and on a similar routine. I can’t say I am as good at staying on track like my daughter but I try as I am sure most do.

The hardest part of this for me is not being able to see my fiancé as regularly as I did. He lives in PA and I live in NJ. We both have kids and he works from home. When we do get to see each other it’s all that more special. We do text and FaceTime when we can. During the day isn’t so bad since we both normally work. Night time is the toughest because I miss being able to fall asleep next to him every night.

Everyone is adjusting and it takes time. The most important thing to remember is your actions not only effect you but everyone around you. No matter how bored you are remember that the better everyone can stick to protocol the sooner the curve will flatten. This is not an I matter this is an everyone matter.

I am use to running around all day to burn all my extra energy so I can settle down in the evening. I feel everyone in the house is feeling my inability to focus or turn off my energy button. I work every day and parent a 10 year old yet I keep going like the energized bunny. I keep myself moving by taking walks, focusing the best I can on projects around the house, writing, reading, etc. Do I wish I return to my daily routine, of course I do. However, I rather be extra energized and having focusing issues and be safe than rush the reopening of our state.

All I hope for is everyone stays safe and healthy and finds what works best for them to get through this tough time!

In December I learned that one of my best friends passed away from some random guy who messaged me on Facebook. I was in shock but didn’t believe it. I tried calling him no answer. I tried getting in contact with some mutual friends but no one knew anything. They just wanted answers like I did. I was so focused on finding information out that I didn’t even begin feeling much lost because I convinced myself this was a horrible joke. I poked around quite a bit and learned that he died in a fire of an abandon building. At first I couldn’t speak just stare…then I ran to the bathroom and couldn’t stop getting sick and crying. Felt like I was dying from the inside out! After that my ability to function on a day to day basis seriously declined. My shop was not doing well during the holiday season my relationship with my fiancé was faking a part, my ability to play and be a real mom to my daughter was lacking, and taking care of my general needs seemed impossible. There are still so many unanswered questions.

Last night I just found out my Aunt and Uncle were attacked by my Aunt’s son. My Aunt didn’t make it and my Uncle is in the hospital with serious injuries to recover from. At the moment I am still in shock and trying to figure out answers. When will this nightmare be over?

I found this quote and felt it described how I view myself with my disorder and hope others can see thru it too. I am different and I am just starting to realize that that is ok. I stand out because of my energy and bubbly personality but as my fiancé says if I am quiet and blend in he worries. Everyone marches to their own beat I just throw in a few extra chords!

I sent this to my fiancé as a goof because I feel it describes my insecurity to my disorder but how he is always there anyway.

My entire life I have never really understood emotions or relationships. I sadly never felt much but wanted to. I learned from movies and tv shows how to interact and form some type of relationship with others.

Learning from movies and tv shows can be helpful but like bipolar everything usually is extreme. Growing up I had many boyfriends who I dated solely because they were into me and I thought they were nice and didn’t want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. All these relationships were very short lived. I also had friendships and romantic relationships where I had a blast while I was feeling it and then just slipped out when it wasn’t working for me anymore. Either I felt suffocated, had enough, just not feeling, or had trouble hiding my disorder.

I then met my daughter’s father and we were together for 13 years. We started off as good friends and then it progressed into something more. There were a few times I tried to end things but he was very persistent. As soon as we graduated college we were surprised by a pregnancy. We decided to get married and raise the baby together. I knew we would not be together forever but at the time I felt this was best. After 6 years of marriage he told me he was gay and had met someone. This is also when I was diagnosed bipolar. It was a lot to take in but in the end we were always just friends and nothing more. Now we are co-parents. I think the reason our relationship lasted as long as it did is because there wasn’t a strong connection so typical things that would effect most married couples just didn’t even phase me.

Then I met the love of my life and as soon as our eyes met for the first time I had these feelings rush thru me like never before. We were engaged after 4 months of dating. Definitely love at first site. This was a connection I never felt and it was overwhelming. Even though we have gone thru some really rough life time events we have supported each other thru it all. Because of our environment we almost decided to take a break because we didn’t want to hurt the other one. We tried but trying to break up with the person you are in love with is probably the hardest thing anyone could do. We decided to back things up and work on our own issues but still be a part of each other’s lives. Who knows what will happen but all I know is that a connection like we have is one you don’t take lightly especially for someone who never was really able to connect at all.

Every day I meet knew people and make new friends but it is very hard for me to keep those relationships. I have a few lifetime friends and I am happy every day knowing I was able to have that type of connection with a handful of people. I always felt like the odd ball. I always say I am horrible at relationships. My fiancé and daughter disagree. Maybe it’s in my head but relating to others and allowing them to see the whole me is difficult. I suppose those who I let in 100% are the ones I am able to connect with. All I know is that if you are lucky enough to have a strong connection with someone, treasure it forever.

Obviously I have always had bipolar disorder. I was only diagnosed a few years ago. I have found surrounding myself with the right people is key. For me any unnecessary added stress leads to my rapid cycling and sometimes to full blown mania. I have had many life struggles like many and have been working extremely hard at getting my life back on track from the results of those unfortunate events.

However keeping people in my life who support me and never judge even at my worst seems to be the best medicine. I get lost in helping others because I find it easier getting them on the right track verse myself. By doing this I have lost myself and am no further a head than I was a few years ago. Allowing others to influence who you are and care more about if they are ok has been my recipe for disaster. A good friend gave me advice today…do yourself and everything else will fall into place the way it should.

I never really knew what made me happy but I am starting to realize it. I have been cycling on and off for the last couple of months mostly because I have been taking on other people’s problems and stresses to avoid my own. I now know I can’t do that anymore otherwise I am going to lose out on my own life and happiness.

I am going to try and not constantly push my feelings aside to ensure others are ok. I am not ok and I need to change that.

People tend to be nervous of my disorder and shy away. I never keep it hidden because I want people to know why I may not be myself and struggling with simple everyday tasks. It isn’t easy for me to share this with others but I feel it explains so much. Those who love and care for me will always be there to help. My disorder scares me sometimes and I can’t turn the other way. I have to live each day with the unexpected. However, bipolar is a part of me and unfortunately I can’t change that.

I am still a very loving, nurturing, compassionate, honest, open minded, loyal, person who loves life and wants to experience as much as I can. Life is always a journey and I think it’s time I go on mine instead of being more concerned with others.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton