Connection

My entire life I have never really understood emotions or relationships. I sadly never felt much but wanted to. I learned from movies and tv shows how to interact and form some type of relationship with others.

Learning from movies and tv shows can be helpful but like bipolar everything usually is extreme. Growing up I had many boyfriends who I dated solely because they were into me and I thought they were nice and didn’t want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. All these relationships were very short lived. I also had friendships and romantic relationships where I had a blast while I was feeling it and then just slipped out when it wasn’t working for me anymore. Either I felt suffocated, had enough, just not feeling, or had trouble hiding my disorder.

I then met my daughter’s father and we were together for 13 years. We started off as good friends and then it progressed into something more. There were a few times I tried to end things but he was very persistent. As soon as we graduated college we were surprised by a pregnancy. We decided to get married and raise the baby together. I knew we would not be together forever but at the time I felt this was best. After 6 years of marriage he told me he was gay and had met someone. This is also when I was diagnosed bipolar. It was a lot to take in but in the end we were always just friends and nothing more. Now we are co-parents. I think the reason our relationship lasted as long as it did is because there wasn’t a strong connection so typical things that would effect most married couples just didn’t even phase me.

Then I met the love of my life and as soon as our eyes met for the first time I had these feelings rush thru me like never before. We were engaged after 4 months of dating. Definitely love at first site. This was a connection I never felt and it was overwhelming. Even though we have gone thru some really rough life time events we have supported each other thru it all. Because of our environment we almost decided to take a break because we didn’t want to hurt the other one. We tried but trying to break up with the person you are in love with is probably the hardest thing anyone could do. We decided to back things up and work on our own issues but still be a part of each other’s lives. Who knows what will happen but all I know is that a connection like we have is one you don’t take lightly especially for someone who never was really able to connect at all.

Every day I meet knew people and make new friends but it is very hard for me to keep those relationships. I have a few lifetime friends and I am happy every day knowing I was able to have that type of connection with a handful of people. I always felt like the odd ball. I always say I am horrible at relationships. My fiancé and daughter disagree. Maybe it’s in my head but relating to others and allowing them to see the whole me is difficult. I suppose those who I let in 100% are the ones I am able to connect with. All I know is that if you are lucky enough to have a strong connection with someone, treasure it forever.